AND AS MY SKIN COLLECTS IN A PILE ON THE GROUND..

okaybritt @ 2006-05-22T17:15:00

2006-05-22T21:20:28Z

I suppose I should be going into convulsions daily since I should be graduating soon. I just hope I get all my work finished. I was never good at this. For the longest time I planned just to go to BU in the fall part time, and stay with the Town Perk job. But it seems pointless, and I'll just hate this. I want to move to new york in the fall, be a waitress, be an actress, lose some weight, develop a habit. But its so expensive, and I'll need so much help. I guess the whole point of moving to the city is to celebrate my independance, but I wont be anyway. I always say just "do what you want". Well, this is what I want. Eventually, if I had the money, maybe in my late twenties, when the weather is right, I'll start a business. A venue. A dive cbgbs, in the village. I think thats my dream?. If I can clarify it. So, I have a goal, I guess.

okaybritt @ 2006-04-29T22:22:00

2006-04-30T02:25:10Z

Congrats kev for 1st in the skate comp today.

BUSTEDDDDDDDD. I did real weak tail-whips all day. Those bikers were sick tho.

okaybritt @ 2006-04-26T14:50:00

2006-04-26T18:56:17Z

I am going to Washington on sunday to protest the neglect regarding the genocide in Darfur. For those of you who dont know about it 2 million people have been murdered already and 4 million have been displacedand. Thousands of women are being ensalved and are being raped and killed and tortured. Girls as young as ten years old.? And America is doing nothing. Probably becuase Sudan doesn contribute to our economy. And we're in Iraq only because we have so much money invested in their resources. Don't you think that instead of fighting a war based on greed, revenge, money, and hatred is pointless, when we can use our power for a good cause to defend the innocent civilians who are being demonstrated against in Africa? This is makes me physically sick.

Ignore my poetic intent, I have been posed to death....

2006-04-25T04:37:38Z

Okay I know I just started this journal again, and I know I already posted an "I'm back" entry. But I still feel some preliminary need to explain myself. Its just that I am bored and I cant think of anything more productive to do at 12:20 on a monday night, and since I've basically swallowed battery acid, almost 250 miligrams, which is probably why I am not sleeping. And thats ofcourse metaphotical. I just read through some of my old entries from a couple years ago, and realized i've actually grown more lame and unimpressive, and totally way too dramatic with everything. Whatever. And one more thing. I HATE SCHOOL. And I'm okay with the fact that after highschool, I will be a total nobody and that I am ultimately an uninteresting person compared to the intimidation of completely radical individuals who will make me feel totally inferior and obsolete. Journals are so personal. I should just talk about superficial things like beer bongs, and football games. But thats just not why I have this. Right?

I am so over getting up and going to school every morning, and having a bell tell me what to do. And I am so sick of rules like "Dont step outside the door until I dismiss you". It honestly belittles my intelligence, and maturity as a person. But ive never really proved to anyone anywhere that I was mature, since I usually am obnoxious during school assembles regarding serious issues, and that I start the slow clap when someone gets yelled at in the cafeteria, and still use words like redneck and ass clown. But I dont feel mature, because I am not offered the challenge. (I suppose I am everyday with rules that are forced fed in class) But seriously. Cut everybody a break with the monotonous authority abuse at bloomsburg high school. I suppose it could be worse though, we could have no arms or legs and be stranded on a floating dock with Steven Segal. I suppose I should appreciate that. Whatever. Tomorrows Tuesday. I'll be polite, and funny, an make teachers believe that I am a complete moron, for the sole sake of others entertainment. Goodnight. I guess.

After 2 long years, I think that we both need this.

2006-04-25T04:10:44Z

It has been so long since I've done anything like this. It took me over three times just to remember my password to this journal. A lot has happened in the past two years, a complete three sixty and another one-eighty. I am now even more undermined and politically singled out by socialites and mothers. And IN THE PAST TWO YEARS I, ofcourse couldnt have possibly been any more self-destructive, and in the most positive manner. This weekend was absolutely insane. Friday night I was white trash and chain smoked in tylers room, I somehow ended up in danville alone. Saturday was like every alternative jam concert I have ever been to, except there was no music or hippies, and it was block party weekend at the college, and lightstreet was absolutely out of control. Totally out of control. Kids were mudd wrestling, and attempting to tip vehicles, hundreds of kids poured into a back alley, and just got comepletely and totally anihilated. I did not drink. But the things I was seeing was totally ridiculous, and an some asian art history major kept calling me Paula Abdul. Sunday was surprisingly satisfying, and everything since then has been an indecisive idea or apathy towards others thoughts or ideas. Today was interesting, I sat alone outside of La Fontana, and I ate a turkey sub, and I hate eating meat. I read my new book about the Drag Queen, and talked to people I knew. On sunday I searched through the 1979 times leader in the BU Library, I was looking for something in particular.. i never found it. Thats about it for now. I think it would be healthy if I started writing in this again. Its seriously been so long, my last entries are from still living in Wilkes Barre, and Al. Unbelievable how time travels. Leave me a comment, I've forgotten what thats like ...

okaybritt @ 2004-12-12T18:37:00

2004-12-12T23:58:36Z

you cant call this home.

okaybritt @ 2004-11-22T17:11:00

2004-11-22T22:23:42Z

I guess getting by comes easier with time. And distance. I've never been so far away. Not from you, or there. But from knowledge of everything. It makes me think about new york city. Who will I be in a town of somebodys? Its almost like I'm preparing myself for that day when I leave for the city. Its feels like i've been walking to long, or i've been wanting too much. I mean, I just want to know. You know? I thought a lot about the different disappointments I hold myself responsible for. Naturally, I am without understanding. I know i'm the most selfish person on earth. You're being generous for nothing. WHATS A WORLD WITHOUT SIN? Most of the time I just feel like science, but right now I just feel like sound. I dont know. I never want to come home. After recent events, and what its been like the past couple times I've visited wilkes barre. I promised myself I'd do as much as possible to never go back there again. Once i'm gone, im gone. Thats it.

I just want to be in the movies. Plainly. I wont be mild and unclear about it anymore. This is all I want. Film me pretending. Do anything.

okaybritt @ 2004-11-15T17:11:00

2004-11-15T22:13:33Z

I'm failing school, or whatever.

He and I are broken up for good. Thats the last thing that ties be back to wilkes barre. Now I am officially absent to anyone down there, completely.

okaybritt @ 2004-11-06T22:25:00

2004-11-07T03:25:18Z

This is from a while ago, I'm just not sure if anyone gets it. Or if I even get it. Oh well. Study.

[Our subject has been injured severely. The dagger came when he least expected, aimed right for his body & straight through his heart. His face is pale white. He has nervous hands & his body is in critical condition. His breathe is stuttered & his clavicle and lower throat are both alcohol stained. He fails to move. His eyes are weak. He smells of cracked pavement and fresh smoke. His neck is wrapped in rope. Someone take him to the operating room. Officer, tell him his belongings are in the middle of the road. They told him love was like riding a bike. Flashing lights. Empty beds. Get his pulse. Take his name. Steady, keep pumping, be patient, blood lined. A patterened beep & suddenly DEADLINED. She spent days upon days in the waiting room knitting funerals for his internal bleeding and organ failures. Our subject has been injured severely. The realization came when she least expected, aimed right at her world, and she fell straight to the hospital room floor next to his bed covered in fatality. Her hands were empty. Her eyes were cold. Her fingers were clenched. Her cheeks and upper neck were tear stained. She smelled like brand new medicine and fresh smoke. Her body wrapped in hope. They told her love was like riding a bike. Doctor, tell her she left her belongings in the waiting area. A broken heart homicide. Diagnosis: if you die, i die. Someone take her to the operating room. Flashing lights. Empty beds. Get her pulse. She's already dead. ]

[The days go by. The sun sets. Starts again. Inhale, exhale. Fight. Clear your eyes. Cry. Explain yourself. Bathe in deception. Entertain the world. Laugh. Create war. Take a fucking picture. 'Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who lived in a box and everyone loved her'. Nobody saw through her strategically strong exterior. She fought for sacrificial knowledge, and keepsake romances. She lived on an empty street. In an empty house. In her empty room. Her entire life was only a dream, so she'd always disagree to the right thing. ]

I guess I'm just bored. I'm in WILKES BARRE. And what the fuck. I am done. I am dead. I am bored. My fingers are all cut up, i smashed a glass. I honestly wont, i cant.. I'd apologize but I just dont care.

okaybritt @ 2004-11-01T23:43:00

2004-11-02T04:45:41Z

babyimarealist: you're only here for another year

babyimarealist: I've been thinking about that

dont dare forget: people leave, thats what they do.

dont dare forget: people are only in your life for an average of 2 years, tops, then they leave, and you meet new people, and they leave and you meet new poeple, and it goes on an don and on until we're dead.

babyimarealist: it just sucks that i hadnt met you earlier

babyimarealist: but you dont realise the impact you have on people

dont dare forget: who

babyimarealist: you

dont dare forget: i dont impact people. i just breathe.

babyimarealist: no you do

dont dare forget: what do you mean?

babyimarealist: well some people are there just to try to hook up with you, and some people are there just for assosication, but some people you actually have made a difference in there lives

dont dare forget: thats not true.

babyimarealist: which part

dont dare forget: all of it.

babyimarealist: no its not, its all true

babyimarealist: i for one have been very much impacted by you

dont dare forget: well its like that for everytone, not just me, its general.

babyimarealist: not in my case

dont dare forget: really?

babyimarealist: reall

babyimarealist: y

babyimarealist: lol

babyimarealist: you;ve really changed my outlook

babyimarealist: on myself and others

babyimarealist: give me a sec. here

dont dare forget: okay.

babyimarealist: myself: you made me realise that I need to do what makes me happy and thats really all that matters, before I met you i was sort of focused on what others thougth should be doing with my life (parents ect.) you also made me realise that people are just that

babyimarealist: and it just made me realise that there is no hope for us

babyimarealist: and that was inspiring

dont dare forget: that was inspiring.

babyimarealist: yes

babyimarealist: its just made me think why bother wasting my time with all the mundane details

dont dare forget: i never thought about that.

babyimarealist: you're just like my first

babyimarealist: I care a lot mroe about you than you think I do

dont dare forget: I know you care.

babyimarealist: remember when we were saying if wed take a bullet for someone, well i totally would for you, not just because I want tos ee you move forward but more so because i'd want to

babyimarealist: if that makes sense

babyimarealist: you're the only persoon I would dance in the street with

dont dare forget: that makes complete sense, and we would dance in the street, brilliantly.

babyimarealist: every time I fight with you I come out a better person

babyimarealist: its the least i could do

babyimarealist: I'm glad we're still friends

dont dare forget: Me too.

babyimarealist: there's really nothing more to be said

babyimarealist: adjust my heart

dont dare forger: i'd have to charge.

okaybritt @ 2004-10-20T10:35:00

2004-10-20T17:43:42Z

I take back every word that I said. Brown eyes never looked so gray, and you never seemed so cold. I'll ignore you, and this. i'll be another, and another. I'll be the one that never. And nobody knows... and you will never know, and you sold out miraculously, and I gave in defeatingly. Underneath words, and glances, this was the dumbest thing I have ever experienced.

okaybritt @ 2004-10-03T13:36:00

2004-10-03T17:35:03Z

So is this the long awaited confessions due to lack of appreciation? Am I really that frustrated? No. Where has my knowledge taken me this time? I've learned its not wilkes barre, its me. I've learned those romances you waited for never come, and someone intercepts your expectations, and you wonder how things could have been different, but really, you dont care. So you have the memories to replay in your head as if it were nearly as satisfying as the thought of it continuing like run on sentences. My run on's and set backs are what keeps things from ending.

Remember when we met at miner that night after?

okaybritt @ 2004-09-20T14:34:00

2004-09-20T18:35:44Z

I hope your consious eats at you, and you cant breathe without me.

okaybritt @ 2004-08-20T00:52:00

2004-08-20T04:57:52Z

I'm coming over, BUT IT NEVER WAS ENOUGH.

Midtown show was really great, met the guys, always awesome.

I moshed a LOT. There were fat girls skanking and looking dumb so I kicked them in the stomache. I crowd surfed & spin kicked a lot, and tore at intestines. Such a gentle night.

where are you my little needle?

bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter & breathless.
organless. fearless. ridiculous .. idk.

silly stresses & the prettiest messes.

2004-08-19T03:18:08Z

I'm not that much a poet, but a CRIMINAL.

We went to eat, we sat at the highest point of the city that we can find, and I talked about how incredible it would be to watch all the buildings burn from here. Then, we sat on the roof of hoban highschool, and talked to kids in the parking lot.

Our bodies are mostly water, but it doesnt feel like it, not even a little bit.

I did that photoshoot. The books called "Child of darkness". And in it, i portray a drugged teen. Constant characteristics.

[ icantbelievemyheartsstillpounding ]

Dear Summer, my first love.
What the fuck?
Sincerely,
<3.

okaybritt @ 2004-08-12T12:01:00

2004-08-12T16:03:21Z

Fuck.

We never met, you and I
We were always inside,
we were somewhere inside one another.
And I'll live without you love,
but what good is one glove,
without the other?

Still you only ask about my leaving,
well honey I had no choice, so
I call (and when you hear that heavy breathing)
for that sound of your voice.

But you sit there silent, folded arms
And look down as I walk by
My face has changed, you know it's me
You know by the stillness in my eyes.
Come and whisper in my ear, "You're very pretty, dear," and
"It'll be alright." You're lying!
But I don't mind tonight.

So I wander and I wander
Your absence beating inside my chest
I try but I can't remember
The color of your eyes---just the shape of your dress.

And through a garden overgrown
Oh, it's a long walk home.
I said I'd not come back, well I'm coming back-
and you'd better be alone.

Sit there silent, folded arms
As you smile, as i walk by
My face has shamed, But you know it's me, YOU KNOW ITS ME!
Come and whisper in my ear, my dear! my dear!
it'll be alright. it'll be alright.
it'll be alright. it'll be alright.
it'll be alright. it'll be alright.
No! NO!!

okaybritt @ 2004-08-06T03:27:00

2004-08-06T07:59:32Z

Tonight a girl tried to fight me, i told her to leave me alone, she wouldnt, I knocked her out.

Anyway.

I dont know whats going on. I'm incredible at losing best friends. I've learned that the people I care about are unnecessary, and its a scary thing. How did this happen? This summer is unhealthy, this summer is amazing, this summer is destroying everything, and I dont care at all. I've somehow become officially out of control. I dont plan to be faithful to anyone, or anything. I dont look out for anyone like I use to, and nobody is looking out for me. I use to have terrible friends, but at least they meant something to me. My parents are wrapped up in nonsense, I'm completely free to do whatever I want, and I am. Things are dangerous. I am experiencing chaos. I'm not ready for this. But its perfect. WHATT IS GOING ON. Somebody slow me down, before it gets too out of hand, i'm getting away with everything.

MYLOVEISALIFETAKER.

I was thinking maybe I can take a train to the west coast, and sell my clothes. I'd dance with strangers. I'd live off coffee and blue cheese. I'll sleep on sunset strip, and lie my way to fame. I was thinking maybe I can stay here, fix everything, and live with the way things are. I'd stay confined in grid-locked doors & live with the stories, I'll wake up overcasts & sore necks. I'll grow up to be mayor and lie to senior citizens. Maybe I'll move to nanticoke, and work in construction. For right now I think I'll .... take some time & campagn destructions, maybe take a shower.

okaybritt @ 2004-08-05T03:55:00

2004-08-05T07:58:00Z

As if being completely abandoned wasnt enough.

The grateful dead concert was an alright time. I walked around, smiled at strangers, the crowd was filled with drugs & dreads. It was all so predictable. 40 minute jams & nobody with washed hair.

Fuck, i love you.

okaybritt @ 2004-08-03T16:42:00

2004-08-03T20:45:09Z

"I slept with THE DAUGHTERS & all I got was this lousy song written about me."

last night: me&molliewalkedtomarkfavatas.
tonight: kids+soccer.
FUCK YOU.

I miss you. I miss everyone. I'm a jerk. YOU are a jerk. I'm just waiting for you.

okaybritt @ 2004-08-01T04:47:00

2004-08-01T09:01:25Z

I just cant seem to .. i just dont want to. Have I EVER told you the story about when I woke up in a suitcase!?! The rain stopped. I'm dripping wet. 4:09, i left my character in the street. Somebody kill me, so I know i'm alive. I went to work for an hour & didnt enjoy it. Then, sat at Bennigans with AL & CULLEN & choked on cigars filled with aresenic. Went to barnes & noble, the mens bathroom was filled with creeps. Listened to the new taking back sunday cd, i loved it. Fuck you, its august!? Sit back, let me give you a reason to hate me. Scream. Ignore me. I've gotten rid of the idea of a best friend, I'll forever be unattainable. Theres just no use & i'm UNAFRAID of the fact that i'm unrelatable as a person. I dont expect you to understand this, or me. The abrupt failure of fragile laughter & bloody surfaces, lets keep it that way. AHHHH. Catch22 is playing tuesday. I'm there. Betrayal is the purest form of deception, I thought you knew ...

I've been unselfish for the past week. Smile. Repeat. I hate you. Seriously, dont acknowledge me. Thanks. And no, thats not about "YOU". I've lost touch with people who I am unimportant to. I've found touch with people who are unimportant to me. Cheaters never win. Killers never cheat.I hope you become sexually handicapped, you're killing your ego with self critisism, and hypocrisy. Its laughable, but fatally pathetic. Please smack yourself around, and become human again. THE ONLY THING YOUR GOOD AT IS "LOSING" THINGS, you know what I mean; innocence, trust, respect, battles & yourself. I suppose i'm only good at losing friendships, i never cared much for respect or trust. But i handle it so well. You dont know shit about what a mature downfall feels like, so please stop fucking getting upset over superficial bullshit. You have yet to feel any terrential pain. You're not a strong person, but you dont need to be. You have nothing to defend yourself from. Your life is mediocre, and not at all tragic, so stop pretending it is. So take a minute to evalute yourself now. Where are you now? I'll watch you go & explain the time shared with whoever is willing to listen in the future. I'm not who you knew. It was really shitty to watch you kill yourself trying to make things better, but now i admire the fact that you failed miserably. WHY DOES EVERYONE CHANGE SO NEGATIVELY? Summer is destroying you. You're smile is fake & you lack hope. You're intentions are selfish, & you are self endulgent. You care for no one except yourself, and your weekly ORAL activities. I've learned to find humor in your faults in character. Your voice is filled with insecurity on the telephone, I cant even ask your help with the messes I create on my own. Just keep telling yourself things to highten your awareness. You'll never know. You're average, and it kills you. Just admit it already.

I never made a scene, they came to me. I never had to.

okaybritt @ 2004-07-30T01:02:00

2004-07-30T05:04:46Z

Is everything all right? Theres been a few things I've been meaning to let go of tonight.

Yeah, so I lie to be polite. And I lie to be selfish. Goodnight quickly. I've got the memory as evidence, this is all so horrible of me to do. I'm a jerk & I'll never apologize. Unintentional curruptions & I dont care. Mysteries? July's been closed. I've skipped so many auditions lately. This doesnt sound so inspirational. If I didnt have bad luck, I wouldnt have any luck at all. Consider these words as a devotion to you're sacrement. How does this feel? Carve your heart into a train, LETS GO! GO!. Transportaion pumping blood & keeping ussssss alive. My heads over flowing, i'll be alone for days down here. I dont mean to do the things I do. WHOSE HURTING WHO? Tonight I went mini golfing. I suck. I know the golf club isnt meant to be thrown into the bumper boat pool. Whatever. Just walk away. I feel my head caving in. UGH. I'm frustrated. I've got desperations for impossible situations. Fuck. [[ if I had to chose a way to die, it would be with you, in a goosebump infested embrace, and my overanxious hands cupping your face ]]

I think i've found,
I sware i've found,
i think i've found,
i SWARE i've found,
i sware i LOST..

P.S: As the waves crash over me, I stumble to the bottom of the sea. I wanna sink eternally. I deserve this. TAKE YOUR TASTE BACK. Did you hear the news? I could dissect you.

okaybritt @ 2004-07-27T00:51:00

2004-07-27T04:59:48Z

This is all wrong, and it shows. Theres certain things i promised not to let you know.

Tonight I got into a car crash. The car went into the side of the bridge. Attempted to steer the car away from the river, we were unsucsessful, & the tires did not respond. Nobody was hurt.

Physically, I am okay.

We went to knoebles today. It was fun. I bet Al is still nautious.

There has been strategic callapsing going on, I'll get to the bottom of this. I am a fucking liar. I've been wondering how much neglect is tolerated, and how long things can be ignored without being completely forgotten. I've been doing my best to forget the best parts of you, and of everybody. I suppose there are better things I can do. I want to find the parts of your brain that keep your memory, and point the entire peice out to you, because I dont think anybody knows, or anybody cares, just where that part of their body is. Remember me. FUCK. I think i'm going half insane. Dead words on computer screens leave nothing helpful to anybody. Nobodys dead to me. I think i'll start campaigning a new testimony. One that says I cannot do whatever I'd like anymore, one that keeps me concentrating. One that keeps YOU in line. I'm sorry, this is all bullshit. Bad news. Angry wardrobes. Stop wearing the weather. Its way to simple to figure me out, i'm just like all the rest..And I dont know if its me, or if its this month thats been aimless. I think its me. I think its unhealthy. I'll clean everything up. Whatever i cant fix, we'll leave broken. Because thats comfortable, and acceptable. Yeah, but everything is perfect. I've got an audition on wednesday. I dont remember what its for. My mother mumbles and slurs and i was half awake when she told me. I dont have a ride to new york though. I'm hoping my mother gets a hold of my driver, but I havent seen him in forever. I never say forever. I'm sick of hypocrites. I hate you tonight. I said no. stop. I am not tired. I should get some sleep. I'm scared to have something i dont want to lose. Dont let me have you. Nevermind. Dont listen to a word I say. Are you positive? Absolutely sure?

WHYAREYOUSTILLREADING!? ENTERTAIN YOURSELF /// WITHSOMETHINGELSE.

OKAY, SILENCE.

okaybritt @ 2004-07-25T14:00:00

2004-07-25T18:02:53Z

Uhm, last night nanticoke girls wanted to fight us. I ran in cicles around the girls and threw things at them. And screamed metal songs & jumped off cars. This was enjoyable for a short time, until it got boring and I ran out of things to throw. They still want to fight us, I was in the girls face running around her ready to box and she didnt do ANYTHING. Which was lame. Then she tried callin all our cell phones after we left sayin "Okay, I'm ready now.. lets fight". Haha, DUMB. Whatever, bye.

okaybritt @ 2004-07-24T04:01:00

2004-07-24T08:03:08Z

INSOMNIA is my best friend.

IM GOING TO MURDER HEART BEATS IF I DONT FALL ASLEEP TONIGHT. WHATEVER. FUCK. SHIT. CARNIVAL.

IHATEYOU.

i'm not homicidal.

FUCK. gfsmopraghoireahjh. I dont know what is going on.

i miss you.

okaybritt @ 2004-07-22T17:15:00

2004-07-22T21:16:19Z

Its the middle of summer & i'm still taking nothing seriously. My nights run from midnight to dawn, wether I am alone or not. And I havent been seeing clearly. Only because I dont really want to. I've been scattering thoughts of hypocrisy, and relativity. I break rules without even realizing it now. I still reckless and still incresingly average. But i'll get over that. I am not ready for school again, I am not ready for that. But I handle opinions well, and i'm sure the year will go by fast. Oh, god. I hope so. 2 more years, thats all I have left and I'm just waaiiiiittting to waste them away and leave them forgotten and never to be re-opened. Seriously. Fuck highschool. Over it, over it, over it. By the way, I hate you.

P.S : I left my feelings for you somewhere back in the beginning of summer, i'll be back for them. You cant miss what you never had.