AND AS MY SKIN COLLECTS IN A PILE ON THE GROUND.. [entries|friends|calendar] leave this town in ruin.. [ website | crowds ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[22 May 2006|05:15pm] [ music | John f. kennedy ] I suppose I should be going into convulsions daily since I should be graduating soon. I just hope I get all my work finished. I was never good at this. For the longest time I planned just to go to BU in the fall part time, and stay with the Town Perk job. But it seems pointless, and I'll just hate this. I want to move to new york in the fall, be a waitress, be an actress, lose some weight, develop a habit. But its so expensive, and I'll need so much help. I guess the whole point of moving to the city is to celebrate my independance, but I wont be anyway. I always say just "do what you want". Well, this is what I want. Eventually, if I had the money, maybe in my late twenties, when the weather is right, I'll start a business. A venue. A dive cbgbs, in the village. I think thats my dream?. If I can clarify it. So, I have a goal, I guess. sleeping next to you

[29 Apr 2006|10:22pm] Congrats kev for 1st in the skate comp today. BUSTEDDDDDDDD. I did real weak tail-whips all day. Those bikers were sick tho. sleeping next to you

[26 Apr 2006|02:50pm] [ mood | cynical ] I am going to Washington on sunday to protest the neglect regarding the genocide in Darfur. For those of you who dont know about it 2 million people have been murdered already and 4 million have been displacedand. Thousands of women are being ensalved and are being raped and killed and tortured. Girls as young as ten years old.? And America is doing nothing. Probably becuase Sudan doesn contribute to our economy. And we're in Iraq only because we have so much money invested in their resources. Don't you think that instead of fighting a war based on greed, revenge, money, and hatred is pointless, when we can use our power for a good cause to defend the innocent civilians who are being demonstrated against in Africa? This is makes me physically sick. (4) sleeping next to you

Ignore my poetic intent, I have been posed to death.... [25 Apr 2006|12:35am] Okay I know I just started this journal again, and I know I already posted an "I'm back" entry. But I still feel some preliminary need to explain myself. Its just that I am bored and I cant think of anything more productive to do at 12:20 on a monday night, and since I've basically swallowed battery acid, almost 250 miligrams, which is probably why I am not sleeping. And thats ofcourse metaphotical. I just read through some of my old entries from a couple years ago, and realized i've actually grown more lame and unimpressive, and totally way too dramatic with everything. Whatever. And one more thing. I HATE SCHOOL. And I'm okay with the fact that after highschool, I will be a total nobody and that I am ultimately an uninteresting person compared to the intimidation of completely radical individuals who will make me feel totally inferior and obsolete. Journals are so personal. I should just talk about superficial things like beer bongs, and football games. But thats just not why I have this. Right? I am so over getting up and going to school every morning, and having a bell tell me what to do. And I am so sick of rules like "Dont step outside the door until I dismiss you". It honestly belittles my intelligence, and maturity as a person. But ive never really proved to anyone anywhere that I was mature, since I usually am obnoxious during school assembles regarding serious issues, and that I start the slow clap when someone gets yelled at in the cafeteria, and still use words like redneck and ass clown. But I dont feel mature, because I am not offered the challenge. (I suppose I am everyday with rules that are forced fed in class) But seriously. Cut everybody a break with the monotonous authority abuse at bloomsburg high school. I suppose it could be worse though, we could have no arms or legs and be stranded on a floating dock with Steven Segal. I suppose I should appreciate that. Whatever. Tomorrows Tuesday. I'll be polite, and funny, an make teachers believe that I am a complete moron, for the sole sake of others entertainment. Goodnight. I guess. (4) sleeping next to you

After 2 long years, I think that we both need this. [24 Apr 2006|11:47pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | kingdomheartsmusic ] It has been so long since I've done anything like this. It took me over three times just to remember my password to this journal. A lot has happened in the past two years, a complete three sixty and another one-eighty. I am now even more undermined and politically singled out by socialites and mothers. And IN THE PAST TWO YEARS I, ofcourse couldnt have possibly been any more self-destructive, and in the most positive manner. This weekend was absolutely insane. Friday night I was white trash and chain smoked in tylers room, I somehow ended up in danville alone. Saturday was like every alternative jam concert I have ever been to, except there was no music or hippies, and it was block party weekend at the college, and lightstreet was absolutely out of control. Totally out of control. Kids were mudd wrestling, and attempting to tip vehicles, hundreds of kids poured into a back alley, and just got comepletely and totally anihilated. I did not drink. But the things I was seeing was totally ridiculous, and an some asian art history major kept calling me Paula Abdul. Sunday was surprisingly satisfying, and everything since then has been an indecisive idea or apathy towards others thoughts or ideas. Today was interesting, I sat alone outside of La Fontana, and I ate a turkey sub, and I hate eating meat. I read my new book about the Drag Queen, and talked to people I knew. On sunday I searched through the 1979 times leader in the BU Library, I was looking for something in particular.. i never found it. Thats about it for now. I think it would be healthy if I started writing in this again. Its seriously been so long, my last entries are from still living in Wilkes Barre, and Al. Unbelievable how time travels. Leave me a comment, I've forgotten what thats like ... sleeping next to you

[12 Dec 2004|06:37pm] you cant call this home. sleeping next to you

[22 Nov 2004|05:11pm] I guess getting by comes easier with time. And distance. I've never been so far away. Not from you, or there. But from knowledge of everything. It makes me think about new york city. Who will I be in a town of somebodys? Its almost like I'm preparing myself for that day when I leave for the city. Its feels like i've been walking to long, or i've been wanting too much. I mean, I just want to know. You know? I thought a lot about the different disappointments I hold myself responsible for. Naturally, I am without understanding. I know i'm the most selfish person on earth. You're being generous for nothing. WHATS A WORLD WITHOUT SIN? Most of the time I just feel like science, but right now I just feel like sound. I dont know. I never want to come home. After recent events, and what its been like the past couple times I've visited wilkes barre. I promised myself I'd do as much as possible to never go back there again. Once i'm gone, im gone. Thats it. I just want to be in the movies. Plainly. I wont be mild and unclear about it anymore. This is all I want. Film me pretending. Do anything. sleeping next to you

[15 Nov 2004|05:11pm] I'm failing school, or whatever. He and I are broken up for good. Thats the last thing that ties be back to wilkes barre. Now I am officially absent to anyone down there, completely. (4) sleeping next to you

[06 Nov 2004|10:25pm] This is from a while ago, I'm just not sure if anyone gets it. Or if I even get it. Oh well. Study. [Our subject has been injured severely. The dagger came when he least expected, aimed right for his body & straight through his heart. His face is pale white. He has nervous hands & his body is in critical condition. His breathe is stuttered & his clavicle and lower throat are both alcohol stained. He fails to move. His eyes are weak. He smells of cracked pavement and fresh smoke. His neck is wrapped in rope. Someone take him to the operating room. Officer, tell him his belongings are in the middle of the road. They told him love was like riding a bike. Flashing lights. Empty beds. Get his pulse. Take his name. Steady, keep pumping, be patient, blood lined. A patterened beep & suddenly DEADLINED. She spent days upon days in the waiting room knitting funerals for his internal bleeding and organ failures. Our subject has been injured severely. The realization came when she least expected, aimed right at her world, and she fell straight to the hospital room floor next to his bed covered in fatality. Her hands were empty. Her eyes were cold. Her fingers were clenched. Her cheeks and upper neck were tear stained. She smelled like brand new medicine and fresh smoke. Her body wrapped in hope. They told her love was like riding a bike. Doctor, tell her she left her belongings in the waiting area. A broken heart homicide. Diagnosis: if you die, i die. Someone take her to the operating room. Flashing lights. Empty beds. Get her pulse. She's already dead. ] [The days go by. The sun sets. Starts again. Inhale, exhale. Fight. Clear your eyes. Cry. Explain yourself. Bathe in deception. Entertain the world. Laugh. Create war. Take a fucking picture. 'Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who lived in a box and everyone loved her'. Nobody saw through her strategically strong exterior. She fought for sacrificial knowledge, and keepsake romances. She lived on an empty street. In an empty house. In her empty room. Her entire life was only a dream, so she'd always disagree to the right thing. ] I guess I'm just bored. I'm in WILKES BARRE. And what the fuck. I am done. I am dead. I am bored. My fingers are all cut up, i smashed a glass. I honestly wont, i cant.. I'd apologize but I just dont care. (1) sleeping next to you

[01 Nov 2004|11:43pm] ( and people, are just that ) (3) sleeping next to you

[20 Oct 2004|10:35am] I take back every word that I said. Brown eyes never looked so gray, and you never seemed so cold. I'll ignore you, and this. i'll be another, and another. I'll be the one that never. And nobody knows... and you will never know, and you sold out miraculously, and I gave in defeatingly. Underneath words, and glances, this was the dumbest thing I have ever experienced. sleeping next to you

[03 Oct 2004|01:36pm] So is this the long awaited confessions due to lack of appreciation? Am I really that frustrated? No. Where has my knowledge taken me this time? I've learned its not wilkes barre, its me. I've learned those romances you waited for never come, and someone intercepts your expectations, and you wonder how things could have been different, but really, you dont care. So you have the memories to replay in your head as if it were nearly as satisfying as the thought of it continuing like run on sentences. My run on's and set backs are what keeps things from ending. Remember when we met at miner that night after? (2) sleeping next to you

[20 Sep 2004|02:34pm] I hope your consious eats at you, and you cant breathe without me. (4) sleeping next to you

[20 Aug 2004|12:52am] I'm coming over, BUT IT NEVER WAS ENOUGH. Midtown show was really great, met the guys, always awesome. I moshed a LOT. There were fat girls skanking and looking dumb so I kicked them in the stomache. I crowd surfed & spin kicked a lot, and tore at intestines. Such a gentle night. where are you my little needle? bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter bitter & breathless. organless. fearless. ridiculous .. idk. (10) sleeping next to you

silly stresses & the prettiest messes. [18 Aug 2004|11:12pm] [ music | some girls ] I'm not that much a poet, but a CRIMINAL. We went to eat, we sat at the highest point of the city that we can find, and I talked about how incredible it would be to watch all the buildings burn from here. Then, we sat on the roof of hoban highschool, and talked to kids in the parking lot. Our bodies are mostly water, but it doesnt feel like it, not even a little bit. I did that photoshoot. The books called "Child of darkness". And in it, i portray a drugged teen. Constant characteristics. [ icantbelievemyheartsstillpounding ] Dear Summer, my first love. What the fuck? Sincerely, <3. sleeping next to you

[12 Aug 2004|12:01pm] Fuck. ( Said it makes you wanna fall in love ) (8) sleeping next to you

[06 Aug 2004|03:27am] Tonight a girl tried to fight me, i told her to leave me alone, she wouldnt, I knocked her out. Anyway. I dont know whats going on. I'm incredible at losing best friends. I've learned that the people I care about are unnecessary, and its a scary thing. How did this happen? This summer is unhealthy, this summer is amazing, this summer is destroying everything, and I dont care at all. I've somehow become officially out of control. I dont plan to be faithful to anyone, or anything. I dont look out for anyone like I use to, and nobody is looking out for me. I use to have terrible friends, but at least they meant something to me. My parents are wrapped up in nonsense, I'm completely free to do whatever I want, and I am. Things are dangerous. I am experiencing chaos. I'm not ready for this. But its perfect. WHATT IS GOING ON. Somebody slow me down, before it gets too out of hand, i'm getting away with everything. MYLOVEISALIFETAKER. I was thinking maybe I can take a train to the west coast, and sell my clothes. I'd dance with strangers. I'd live off coffee and blue cheese. I'll sleep on sunset strip, and lie my way to fame. I was thinking maybe I can stay here, fix everything, and live with the way things are. I'd stay confined in grid-locked doors & live with the stories, I'll wake up overcasts & sore necks. I'll grow up to be mayor and lie to senior citizens. Maybe I'll move to nanticoke, and work in construction. For right now I think I'll .... take some time & campagn destructions, maybe take a shower. (2) sleeping next to you

[05 Aug 2004|03:55am] As if being completely abandoned wasnt enough. The grateful dead concert was an alright time. I walked around, smiled at strangers, the crowd was filled with drugs & dreads. It was all so predictable. 40 minute jams & nobody with washed hair. Fuck, i love you. sleeping next to you

[03 Aug 2004|04:42pm] "I slept with THE DAUGHTERS & all I got was this lousy song written about me." last night: me&molliewalkedtomarkfavatas. tonight: kids+soccer. FUCK YOU. ( I really gotta hand it to you... ) sleeping next to you

[01 Aug 2004|04:47am] I just cant seem to .. i just dont want to. Have I EVER told you the story about when I woke up in a suitcase!?! The rain stopped. I'm dripping wet. 4:09, i left my character in the street. Somebody kill me, so I know i'm alive. I went to work for an hour & didnt enjoy it. Then, sat at Bennigans with AL & CULLEN & choked on cigars filled with aresenic. Went to barnes & noble, the mens bathroom was filled with creeps. Listened to the new taking back sunday cd, i loved it. Fuck you, its august!? Sit back, let me give you a reason to hate me. Scream. Ignore me. I've gotten rid of the idea of a best friend, I'll forever be unattainable. Theres just no use & i'm UNAFRAID of the fact that i'm unrelatable as a person. I dont expect you to understand this, or me. The abrupt failure of fragile laughter & bloody surfaces, lets keep it that way. AHHHH. Catch22 is playing tuesday. I'm there. Betrayal is the purest form of deception, I thought you knew ...( My toungs the only muscle of my body that works harder then my heart.. ) I never made a scene, they came to me. I never had to. (2) sleeping next to you

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